Why Obama is Kicking Ass Online…and Off…

Dear Readers:

Recently, I did some research on the ways in which the Barack Obama Campaign (BOC) has revolutionized the ways that political campaigns use of technology. It was in answer to a question on LinkedIn, and I thought I’d share it with you here.

The BOC’s use of technology to further their goals has been extensive, sophisticated and groundbreaking. While we know this from the buzz around the BOC and see glimpses of their activities here and there, what isn’t immediately apparent to most people outside the BOC is how integral technology is to their campaign. Yes, they have a website, as well as dedicated Obama pages on most of the social network sites. Most candidates these days do. What’s different about the campaign’s use of technology is the way they have combined a variety of existing technologies with newly developed tools in order to more fully harness the power of digital technology. One thing that the BOC realized early on is that the most valuable currency they can derive from a Web presence is DATA. Most of their online presence either drives, inspires or requires data deposits of various kinds by their users.

Following is a description from Blue State Digital, the developers of barackobama.com, of the online tools suite they used to create the site:

Blue State Digital:
BSD’s Online Tools Suite is the most effective Internet community solution available for candidates, cause-related organizations, and companies.  Our tools combine fundraising, advocacy, and constituency-building capabilities into a comprehensive, action-oriented suite that will help you raise more money, grow your community faster, lock in constituent loyalty through social networking, and motivate your constituents to build public and legislative support behind the issues that matter to you.

The best fundraising tools on the market – including our innovative True Match technology, which matches up individual constituents personally to drive your fundraising revenue up – are at your fingertips, behind a program manager interface that helps you select segments based on their activity history and message them more effectively.  And our advocacy tools, integrated with our versatile Legislative and Media Contact System, have been used successfully by dozens of organizations to win critical issue victories in state houses, in Congress, and among opinion leaders and the press.

But the real power of the BSD suite flows from our community development and social networking capabilities.  By deploying BSD’s Online Tools Suite on your Web site, you can help your constituents connect with others who share their interests, motivations, and passions; leverage their desire to be part of a change-making movement; and motivate them to take specific actions that will further your cause.

Lead generation and tell-a-friend, peer-to-peer fundraising, blogging and community content management, event calendaring, a group communication engine open to every member—all these tactics are available for you to deploy, through our easy-to-use program manager interface.  Point tracking, built-in messaging, and community rating are all built in, to help encourage your constituents to stay involved and active.

Another thing that the BOC realized from the start was how to utilize technology to facilitate action. Using the data they collect from a variety of places, including the Web, they provide their staff and volunteers with multiple tools to execute targeted campaign activities with various ends including:

• Registering new voters
• Recruiting new volunteers
• Message pushing (i.e.: facilitating viral dispersion of a given message)
• Getting out the vote (first in the primaries and for the general in November)
• Fundraising

While many of these tools have a Web component, it is the synergistic use of the Web with their offline activities that has yielded spectacular results. Most candidates use the Web much like corporations did in the mid-1990s to showcase their products. With the success of the Dean campaign at raising money on the Net, many campaigns have added ways to contribute, which is much like early e-commerce shopping carts that some companies used to start selling their products directly to their consumers. However, this limited approach doesn’t gather nearly as much information about each user, nor does it empower them to take action.

Here I’ve listed a few of the tools that were custom built or tailored to fit the needs of the BOC:

TOOLS:

I. On demand CRM software and services: RightNow Technologies.

RightNow constructed two tools for the campaign:

“Invite Barack”: A scheduling and email response system.
Handles non-media requests for Sen. Obama or members of his campaign to attend local events. Users fill out an online form that goes to a work queue with a team assigned to properly acknowledge and respond. In addition, the system allows the campaign to monitor trends in requests such as location, requesting organizations, outcomes, and so on.

“Obama Answer Center”: A dynamic FAQ listing
Users can search questions by category and keyword, browse the most popular answers, and submit questions that haven’t yet been answered.

Because the system captures all the actions and inputs of people who participate, the Obama campaign is able to use web analytics to sort the most popular keywords and questions by region to better understand the concerns of people in different parts of the country. This allows for more targeted ads and other messaging, but more importantly it provides another perspective on the issues that are important to voters. The campaign can also examine the questions that have been rated most effective and least effective in order to improve the quality of the answers.

II. Web-based, distributable voter file system: Voter Activation Network.

Voter Activation Network is a Voter contact tool, frequently referred to as “the VAN.”
The BOC used a distributed deployment of the Voter Activation Network (or VAN), the voter file tool provided by the Boston firm of the same name. This is a database of registered voters by state that contains contact information coupled with information about how active that voter has been in the past, what their key issues are, etc.

III. Field operations management: Central Desktop.

Central Desktop helped the campaign build a precinct captain website that recruited, trained, and gave tools to thousands of volunteers in California and Texas. The My Barack Obama site allows supporters to build their own profiles in order to connect with local supporters, find or create a local or national group, create a personal fundraising page, find events or plan their own, and record their campaign experiences on their own blogs.

“When the Barack Obama Campaign team came to us, they needed a solution that would be up-and-running in minutes to manage a complex communication challenge for a widely dispersed group. Each California precinct has an externally facing workspace where information and tasks can be easily shared and disseminated. Each campaign team captain can create and view up-to-date information, coordinate and track projects, tasks and milestones as well as access data and statistics in real-time to help them ‘identify, persuade and get-to-vote’ as many Californian’s as possible.”

—Isaac Garcia, CEO of Central Desktop.

IV. “MyBo” Social Networking and Social Action Campaign Site.
In addition to the standard informational content of most candidate websites, the My Barack Obama site  allows supporters to build their own profiles and connect with local supporters, find or create a local or national group, create a personal fundraising page, find events or plan their own, and record their campaign experiences on their own blogs.

V. “Neighbor to Neighbor” Volunteer/Field Operations Management Tool.
Description from BarackOmama.com:

“What this tool does is allow you to find lists of undecided voters in your area, whenever is convenient for you, go door to door to talk to them about Barack Obama and the campaign, and then provide an easy way to report back to the campaign what you have learned. I’m just going to show you a few quick things about the tool to make it easier for you as you go along.

When you log in, you’ll see a list of undecided voters in your neighborhood on the screen. Click ‘print walk lists’ to get a map of those voters in your area. Here you can see a map of where the undecided voters in your area live. If you scroll down, you can see that you will also have a sample script with each voter and a spot to report the information of what you learned. The next step is to print out a flyer for your neighborhood if you want to leave information about Barack or the campaign for your neighbors. Click on ‘next review flyers.’ The final step takes you to a home page that you will see every time you log on. The most important part of the page is at the top, where you report voter contacts.

I cannot tell you enough how important it is that you report back what you have learned so we can bring new voters into this process. Once you click “report voter contacts” your list of voters in your neighborhood will come up. Click on the link next to each voter to report what you learned when you had a conversation with them.”

VI. “The Donkey”: Volunteer Management System
Overview from tinyHorse Solutions:

“Designed specifically for the volunteer tracking and campaign management needs of a field program, the Donkey Campaign and Volunteer Management System provides a straightforward and easy to use interface built on the very latest web technologies. Traditionally organizers lose valuable time and data by tracking some information in the voter file and resorting to spreadsheets (which get trashed after the campaign) for calling, scheduling and event building. The Donkey combines the flexibility of individual volunteer spreadsheets and the benefits of centralized scheduling and tracking for accountability and measurement of progress to goal.

Why Do We Need the Donkey?
The Donkey is not a voter file tool but instead is meant to compliment and integrate with an existing voter file solution such as the VAN (or other voter data tools such as Catalist). Every campaign should have access to a modern voter file, however there are limits on the extent to which data in those systems may be customized to the needs of each campaign. The Donkey is meant as a agile campaign and volunteer management tool which can be setup quickly on an as needed basis to specifically match the organization structure and needs of each campaign.

What Exactly Does the Donkey Do?
There are no other current applications for progressive campaigns that fill the same requirements as the Donkey. The best analogy for this system is a ‘customer relationship management’ or CRM tool, an integral type of sales and contact tracking tool in the corporate world. Existing field and online tools provide an excellent means of communication with large universes of individuals, but lack the precision to effectively manage volunteer data. The Donkey focuses on individual communications shaped around building a relationship with each volunteer rather than bulk voter contact.

Some key highlights of the volunteer management functionality include:
•    Easy to use “call screens” offering instant access to information during call time – enter call mode from anywhere you see a list of volunteers.
•    Advanced and highly usable calendar functionality (similar to Outlook or Google calendar).
•    Complete tracking of any type of event, such as regular phone banks, large rallies and GOTV activities.
•     Detailed tracking, searching, and reporting on all communications and scheduled activities for each volunteer.
•    Completely custom organizational structure per campaign for flexibility and security.

Additionally, the Donkey is a campaign management tool as much as it is a volunteer database:
•    Centralized system for collecting nightly status reports to ensure staff accountability.
•    Real-time manger dashboard providing an up to the second summary of daily numbers and user activity.
•    Live ‘top callers’ and ‘top schedulers’ sections foster competition among organizers.
•    Upload and share documents to distribute scripts and talking points or other materials.

 

Finally, here are re-posts of two excellent articles about the BOC’s technology strategy:

Obama’s Wide Net

by ARI MELBER
This article appeared in the January 10, 2008 edition of The Nation.

Despite the different outcomes for his campaign in Iowa and New Hampshire, Barack Obama won among young voters in both states–and more important, he drew them to the polls in unprecedented numbers. People under 30 made up a third of his support in Iowa–four times the margin of victory–and their turnout was up 19 percentage points from 2004 in New Hampshire. Obama has inspired them, just as Howard Dean did last cycle, but the Chicago organizer’s campaign excelled by using technology that mobilized new and young voters to actually show up and be counted.

On the night of the Iowa caucuses, Obama’s organizers blasted thousands of cellphone text messages to the supporters they had meticulously identified. Younger voters were offered rides. Precinct captains got turnout projections in real time, so they could show undecided caucus attendees that there was statewide momentum. The campaign mobilized others by texting a classic Obama quote, the kind of simple declaration that can sound vague or inspiring, depending on how much idealism you have left: “‘In the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it’–Barack. One hour until Caucus starts! Be there by 6:30pm & bring 3 friends!” Hours later, more texts went out by cellphone. One urged tens of thousands of supporters across the country to watch the victory speech on television, while a local message announced victory to exhausted volunteers across Iowa, many of whom were still at their caucus sites. The text replies poured in swiftly. “I have tears of joy in my eyes!” wrote one volunteer at 9:14 pm, and another banged out an exhilarating revelation: “I am so happy & excited for the usa! I can not believe it is about politics! Obama for President!”

In Iowa, Obama’s aides systematically used the popular social networking site Facebook for targeting and organizing. Allison York, a 20-year-old Obama supporter and student at Iowa’s Drake University, spent six hours of her winter break driving from her parents’ Wichita home to Des Moines to a caucus location she found through Facebook. Another student launched a Facebook challenge that recruited more than a million supporters for Obama across the country. And one field organizer created a group for Iowans pledging to caucus for Obama–the first web version of the famous “supporter cards” that candidates urge voters to sign–drawing more than 1,000 people who were not in the party database. “We try to just go where the people are,” explained Obama’s online organizer in Iowa. “Facebook, because of its size, is where the people are, which is why we’ve taken it so seriously as a campaign.”

Obama’s official Facebook profile has about 200,000 “friends”—more than triple Hillary Clinton’s network and six times John Edwards’s yield. Clinton’s top strategists once mocked those numbers, telling reporters, “Our people look like caucus-goers [and Obama's] look like Facebook.” But after Clinton placed third in Iowa, they hastily tried to catch up. She toured New Hampshire with students, held “roundtables with young undecided voters,” talked up a new idea for a “government blogging team” and launched an “Ask Hillary” Facebook feature on the day of the New Hampshire debate (which was co-sponsored by Facebook and ABC News). Those efforts paid off, giving her a boost among young people above her Iowa showing, but it’s probably too late for her to overtake Obama in organic online support. Beyond Facebook, Obama has the most friends on MySpace and BlackPlanet—about 630,000 combined—and the most traffic by far on YouTube, where people can watch him sans media filter. (After Obama’s stirring Iowa victory speech was uploaded, his official channel alone spiked by more than 1.5 million views.) Obama is also remarkably popular on apolitical Internet terrain. He regularly ranks atop Eventful, an entertainment site that helps fans join forces to request local concerts by their favorite bands. He netted appearance requests from eighty towns in Iowa and has held his own against rock stars across the country, currently ranking third behind the rap group Wu-Tang Clan.

Obama’s aides have not simply been riding a wave of hit websites; they also built their own social networking portal to connect and empower activists. Chris Hughes, a 24-year-old co-founder of Facebook, joined the Obama campaign to build MyBO, which invites users to network, blog and promote grassroots events. Unlike many campaigns that treat web politics as a separate silo, Obama’s field program is tightly integrated with MyBO. Iowa organizers were required to post all their events on the site and encouraged to write MyBO blog posts, vetted by the campaign, about local efforts. And the campaign trusts supporters to post whatever they want, from house parties to fundraising ideas to blog commentaries. More than 350,000 people have already created MyBO accounts, posting more than 10,000 grassroots events offline, including 1,000 gatherings where supporters simply wear Obama buttons and do community service in their neighborhoods. No other campaign has a decentralized program like it. While young participants are active, the majority of users, according to the site’s administrator, appear to be middle-aged women.

Cheryl Kimmel, 48, is a self-declared “Deaniac” who first learned about Obama when Dean fundraised for Obama’s 2004 Senate primary. This month, Kimmel used MyBO to announce a house party for undecided voters. “It’s a good way to reach out to people that may be interested but that aren’t in the fold,” she explained. MyBO is not just for Deaniacs. Frank Dickerson voted for Bush’s re-election, but the 59-year-old “recovering Republican” has used it for the past four months to organize events and phone banks at his North Carolina home. His MyBO invitation after Obama’s Iowa victory recruited seven new people in a single day, he said, and he is coordinating volunteer trips to South Carolina for the upcoming primary. It’s the first time he has ever been politically active.

This kind of self-starting activism could be crucial on February 5, the largest Super Tuesday ever, with primaries in twenty-two states. It is impossible to visit or buy advertising in every state. “Twenty states and all you’ve got is the candidate on a tarmac–frankly there’s not a whole lot that paid media can do,” predicts Joe Trippi, who ran Dean’s Internet strategy and now works for Edwards. “The traditional old-style top-down centralized campaign structure doesn’t work [for this schedule],” he adds, so the key is “to decentralize.”

Editor’s Note: For more on this subject, see A Conversation with Joe Trippi on TheNation.com.

Obama’s ‘Gigantic’ Database May Make Him Party’s Power Broker

by CHRISTOPHER STERN
This article appeared in the April 28, 2008 edition of Bloomberg.com.

Barack Obama’s supporters are giving him more than just record amounts of cash. They also are providing personal information that may make his donor list the most powerful tool in U.S. politics.

Even if the Democratic presidential candidate doesn’t succeed in his White House bid, this data will make Obama a power broker in the party for years to come. For the interest groups or Democratic candidates he chooses to sell it to, it would provide a gold mine of information and access to potential donors.

Almost 2 million people have entered personal information on Obama pages on social-networking Web sites such as Facebook, MySpace and his campaign’s mybarackobama.com, offering home addresses, phone numbers, their views on specific issues and the names of friends. The data have allowed Obama, 46, to raise more than $200 million, fill sports arenas with supporters across the nation and motivate millions more with custom-tailored messages.

“It’s gigantic,” said Laura Quinn, chief executive officer of Catalist, a company that maintains a database of 280 million Americans. The list is as “transformational” as the advent of political advertising, she said.

Volunteering Information
The Illinois senator’s biggest innovation is in persuading people to enter personal information directly on his campaign’s Web site, according to Bill McIntyre, executive vice president of Grassroots Enterprise Inc., a Washington-based Internet marketing firm that advises campaigns.

McIntyre, a Republican and former chief national spokesman for the National Rifle Association, said the data entered by 800,000 names on mybarakobama.com may be worth as much as $200 million.

While in the past, campaigns have cross-referenced lists of registered voters against other records such as credit-card purchases or magazine subscriptions to find potential supporters, Obama’s information is more accurate and precise because it relies on data that donors provide themselves.

“When people give information online, they are going to be more truthful and more credible because they are in the privacy of their own environment,” said McIntyre.

Republican Effort
It’s the kind of detailed information that Republican operatives such as Karl Rove, who directed President George W. Bush’s campaigns, excelled at gathering through expensive microtargeting techniques that combine data from several sources. The Democrats responded with Catalist, a similar list- building effort organized by top Clinton campaign adviser Harold Ickes that sells its data to “progressive” causes and candidates, according to its Web site.

Obama’s success stems from a decision early in his campaign to embrace the concept of social networking, allowing him to leap ahead of his Democratic rival, Senator Hillary Clinton of New York, or the presumptive Republican nominee, Senator John McCain of Arizona. For example, Obama now has 790,000 Facebook “friends,” compared with 150,000 for Clinton, 60, and 117,000 for McCain, 71.

Mybarackobama.com, the first social network specifically devoted to a political campaign, is modeled on Facebook. Chris Hughes, a 24-year-old Facebook co-founder, has been a fulltime Obama campaign worker for more than a year and helped develop the candidate’s site.

Part of Campaign
When supporters join mybarackobama.com, they become part of the campaign, gaining access to phone bank lists, local events and the ability to contact like-minded people or recruit new ones.

Mybarackobama.com is also a sophisticated data network that allows the campaign to home in on detailed information such as whether a supporter is more concerned about civil liberties, foreign policy, education or energy policy.

People who provide their information on line may not realize that the data they are posting at mybarackobama.com may have a long afterlife and find its way to other campaigns in future election cycles.

According to the Obama campaign’s online privacy statement, it reserves the right to “make personal information available to organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

Fair-Market Value
Federal election laws require campaigns to charge for the use of their data. The campaign must either sell the information or record the transaction as an in-kind contribution at fair-market value.

Obama campaign spokesman Tommy Vietor declined to comment on the value or possible future uses of the data.

Even as Obama’s interactive databases prove to be efficient ways to energize volunteers, their ability to raise large amounts of money may outlast the current campaign, said Tad Devine, an independent media consultant.

“That’s really what we are talking about here,” said Devine, a former strategist for Democrat John Kerry’s 2004 presidential bid. “We are talking about a fundraising network that will far surpass the dominance that the Republicans held in the ’80s and even in to the ’90s.”

Obama’s list of 1.4 million donors may be an especially strong fundraising tool in the future, Devine said.

“This is something where if this guy sends out a letter saying send some money to someone, suddenly a House candidate can have a half million dollars in a day,” said Devine. “That may be what the House candidate was hoping to raise in a quarter.”

This ability to produce results ensures Obama will play a prominent role in the future.

“Win or lose, it’s his list,” McIntyre said.

There’s much more, but I’ll save it for another time. Their mobile campaign, about which there is much discussion as well, is also quite sophisticated. But that’s a whole other discussion.

I hope you’ve found this interesting and/or informative.

Best, noetical

PS: Here are some more links about the BOC use of technology:
http://www.techpresident.com (has stats on FB and MyS presence, etc.)
http://blogs.computerworld.com/president
http://billives.typepad.com/portals_and_km/2008/04/barack-obamas-a.html
http://webtrends.about.com/od/web20/a/obama-web.htm
http://www.technewsworld.com/story/63406.html?wlc=1220581679
http://www.fastforwardblog.com/2008/08/27/update-on-the-obama-campaign’s-use-of-the-web/

Why I Am Often Unrealistically Afraid That I’m Not “Man” Enough.

Hello Friendly Readers:

Last summer I read about a report one can order about anyone, from a company called Akiba. It provides a full psychological and personality profile, based on all the different data that the person has unwittingly dispersed into the electronic ether by shopping, joining, dating, chatting, etc. (Below, I’ve listed the search site’s information, regarding the places they mine to uncover this information, as well as their disclaimer notice.*) I have to admit that I found the idea of this intriguing.

I am someone who has been actively engaging in online activities for over a decade now…even longer than most. As such, I was very curious to discover what the information, I’ve provided along the way, might say about who I am. We all wonder how others perceive us, and what our habits and behaviors say about us. I decided that this was a wonderful opportunity, not only to learn more about myself, but also to find out who I am to the world around me. So, I ordered a report on myself. I had the advantage of knowing some very specific information about myself, like my social security number, current and past addresses, gender, date of birth, etc. My name (which I’m not using here, but which I did use in requesting the report) is also rather unique, thus ensuring that the information would be exclusively about me. I had no fear that it would be polluted with data from some random “Noetical,” who lives in Little Falls, Minnesota. At least, that’s what I thought…until I read the report. I have to say, I learned a number of things about myself that I never would have guessed!

The first piece of surprising information Abika revealed to me is that I am in fact a man. You can imagine my surprise. I’ve always considered myself to be a woman and, in fact, I mentioned that fact to Abika, in order to help them conduct the search. The most interesting aspect of the gender confusion, is that they didn’t even say that they found conflicting data…they simply listed my gender as “male.” Okay, that was an inauspicious beginning, and did not bode well for the accuracy of their report. Nonetheless, they had managed to list every single address at which I’ve resided, within the last ten years, without listing any in Little Falls, Minnesota…or any other superfluous domiciles for that matter. Maybe then, this was a fluke. After all, they did note that I attended Columbia University, which I did and; they knew I had worked, at some point, for a company, which happens to be a company in which I am a partner.

So, the profile they sent me reads as follows in bold, with my italicized comments beneath each statement:

Psychological and Personality Profile:

Subject is generally thinking of how others think and why they do what they do.
This one is pretty much true.

Subject wants to be fair-minded and would rather risk being indecisive than be wrong.
I suppose this is true sometimes.

Subject is quick to take offense at the remarks of others and to find fault with their actions.
Not so much this one…at least not since my twenties.

Subject has many expansive ideas.
This one sounds good…I like this one.

Subject seeks emotional harmony.
Don’t we all?

Subject enjoys mature intellectual stimulation.
Yep…this one is me…guilty as charged.

Subject is analytical and curious in relationships.
This one too…okay, this is really starting to seem mostly accurate.

Subject is on the extreme of crude or refined or sloppy or neat.
I don’t know about this…so I’m either north or south or east or west? Whatever.

Subject is attracted to difference and variety.
Okay…I guess…

Subject is also attracted to partners of other races.
Well, this is an interesting tidbit given that I’ve never really dated partners of other races…but maybe that’s why I’m still single.

Subject has a short attention span and gets bored with one partner after a while.
Perhaps I should find two partners of other races to date at the same time to address this issue.

Subject is fascinated by partners with dark tones and features.
Pretty much a light eyes, dark hair kinda gal…at least, I think I’m a gal.

Subject is fascinated by foreign cultures.
Not really…I figure men are foreign enough for me.

Subject finds crude sex and talk to be a big turn on.
Not! …Sorry guys, not really my thing.

Subject cannot resist sexual temptation.
Except when I can.

Subject gets along well with most people.
Except when I don’t.

Subject works to project refined tastes and manners.
Apparently I only do this when I’m not being crude, sloppy or talking dirty.

Subject is plagued by emotional frustration that blocks him from making lasting relationships. Perhaps I’m emotionally frustrated that I don’t make lasting relationships.

Subject likes the excitement of competition.
Okay…this is true…but only at work.

Subject is fearless in dealing with others.
Unless they are really hairy and tall.

Subject has a warm sensuality.
Yeah, baby!

Subject’s imagination has produced a clutter of unrealistic fears that puts him down in his own eyes.
True, I am often unrealistically afraid that I’m not “man” enough.

Subject has great sales and public relations ability.
True…again, only at work.

Subject thinks big, plans big and talks big.
True.

Subject is not hesitant to embark on grand enterprises and plans.
Me.

Subject has a hard time giving up on relationship unless it is on his own terms.
Okay, I’m guilty of this…but who isn’t?

Subject is generous.
As they say, “to a fault.”

Subject is diplomatic when needed.
Always in my personal life…but unfortunately, never at work…although, I’m working on that.

Subject has great common sense.
I might have sense…but it isn’t common.

Subject has leadership abilities.
Only when I need to lead.

Subject is fascinated by all things classic.
Whatever that means.

Subject has a hard time living in the present. Echoes of bad experiences from his past activate his fears and imagination.
Yes, every time I see the color red, I flash back to that time I was fighting the Bull and he gorged me…I can still hear the roar of the crowd as he pierced my flesh…Seriously, if I lived in the past, I’d be a basket case…the present is much more pleasant.

Subject likes to build on the solid ground of past experiences.
Um…what’s this? Okay, really I like to build on the future…What?

Subject is fascinated by structured institutions.
Yes, fascinated by people who can deal with and within structured institutions.

Subject is attracted to older partners when young and vice versa.
Okay…this is me. My boyfriend when I was 17 was 34, and I likes ‘em young now!

Subject’s insecurities has made him very touchy.
Touchy-feely.

Subject uses the oppressive martyr complex.
Only when I’m being a martyr.

Subject is good at planning large operations from behind the scenes.
Aren’t we all?

Subject is detail oriented.
Not even a little bit! …but I am good at managing others to pay attention to details.

Subject may have been subjected to strict parental discipline and punishment as a child.
Um…my parents didn’t know whether or not I was alive most of the time…although, I will say that they probably cared…they just didn’t know.

Subject comes up with creative solutions to problems at work.
Yep…me.

Subject enjoys things that demand careful attention to detail.
Well, I am a bit OCD…but again…I prefer to delegate attention to detail.

Subject is inventive and unpredictable.
…or so I’ve been told.

Subject is inspired by parents and vice versa.
I will say that my Mother is awesome…my Dad is great…and they seem to like me, now that I’m an adult.

Subject needs someone to get him started however he can finish projects if no one hurries him.
Hurrying me is never a good thing…I have issues with Time…in constant battles with Time.

Subject likes good food and creature comforts.
Don’t we all?

Psychological and Personality Scores:  (Maximum Scores – 100)

And Here Are My Scores by Category:

Cheating (Marriage or Romantic Relationships)—88 (Higher the score, higher the tendency to cheat)
Never cheated in my life…not yet, at least.
Short attention span—92 (Higher the score, shorter the attention span)
What were you saying?
Leadership—80 (Higher the score, higher the leadership ability)
Wanna follow me off that cliff?
Decisive—70 (Higher the score, higher the decisiveness)
Not sure about this one…I guess I can be decisive…I don’t know…sometimes, I’m not.
Jealousy—84 (Higher the score, higher the tendency to be jealous)
Actually, I think jealousy is a big waste of time; I would never waste my time with someone who was interested in someone else.
Possessive—68 (Higher the score, the more possessive is the person)
Only with food.

*Information about Abika.com searches: PSYCHOLOGICAL & PERSONALITY PROFILES: Psychological and personality profiles are compiled from data mining any available information such as public records, behavior history records, consumer activities, shopping histories, memberships in various organizations & clubs, court records, demographic data, property deeds, media, public and private databases, newsgroups, opinions expressed in chat rooms, forums, message boards including other methods such as statistical comparisons with peer groups, polling and information submitted by friends, co-workers, relatives. There is no necessity to take written or verbal tests and no necessity of lengthy questions and answers as in the Myers-Briggs tests. Relevancy of a psychological profile is directly proportional to the accuracy of the background information. The fundamental axiom of profiling is comparing an individual’s behavior with the behavior of others in similar circumstances who have been studied in the past. The key to good profiling is in deriving what background effects what trait. Research indicates that often times what most people commonly consider to be irrelevant pieces of background information have the most relevancy for any trait. Psychological & personality profiles are a statistical estimate of personal traits and special talents that generally should be verified by other facts. It is also possible that people have a certain trait but do not act upon it due to external circumstances that make it very difficult for them to act in accordance with their natural trait. In these situations research indicates that as soon as the external circumstance is removed people revert to their natural trait. There are no traits that are all bad or all good. Good or bad is very relative and defined according to the society one lives in or the circumstances. Certain traits in certain situations would be extremely desirable and those same traits in a different situation could be extremely undesirable.

DISCLAIMER NOTICE: ABIKA.COM does not warrant the accuracy, timeliness or completeness of any of the data returned through the website, email or the Abika.com community.  Any information purchased through ABIKA.COM may not be used for purposes such as deciding whether to hire an individual for employment or for determining an individual’s eligibility to receive insurance. To the fullest extend permitted by law, the information is provided AS IS, WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, TITLE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR NON-INFRINGEMENT.

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Okay…that’s it for now…I hope you enjoyed learning about me as much as I did.

Best, Noetical.

Photoshop & Love in the Modern Age.

Hi Everyone!

I’m back again to write about some of the annoying and ridiculous moments in my eDating life. Once again, I’ve changed my charming suitor’s name. As usual, this post includes some things written by him, which I’ve quoted exactly. I will call him “ParanoidGuy.”

So, this is a guy, with whom I was matched on eHarmony.com and, who initiated contact with me. We started by going through the normal canned communication stages there, which only happens about 5% of the time. I close or am closed, before we even start communicating, in most cases. The process takes too long and is too much work to bother with anyone whose pictures or profile identify them as incompatible in some way. I actually like the fact that this weeds out most prospects, as it generally makes the process more efficient. Anyway, that said, the exchange I’m about to recount managed to slip through the filter. As usual, I’ll provide some information about him from his profile, about me from mine for context, in addition to the full exchange, peppered by my comments along the way.

His Profile:

Match Name:  ParanoidGuy (name changed to protect the obnoxious)

Location:  Southern California, United States

Occupation:  Advertising and Marketing

Height:  6′ 2″
Age: 39

Ethnicity:  White, non-Hispanic

Match Created:  January 25, 2006
Last Communication:  February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:
 

• Movies
• Friendship
• Politics

The one thing ParanoidGuy is most passionate about:
 

• Movies, cooking, conversation, friends, love and romance

The three things which ParanoidGuy is most thankful for:
 

• Living at the beach
• My friends
• My career 

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from ParanoidGuy’s Personality Profile:
 

• ParanoidGuy is generally very patient with people.
• ParanoidGuy is good at helping other people reach their goals.
• ParanoidGuy takes pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in ParanoidGuy’s life has been:
 

• My High School Drama Teacher – showed me I can be who and what I want.

ParanoidGuy’s friends describe him as:
 

• Hard Working
• Sweet
• Dependable
• Romantic

Three of ParanoidGuy’s best life-skills are:
 

• Creating romance in a relationship
• Being a good friend and companion
• Achieving personal goals

The most important thing ParanoidGuy is looking for in a person is:
 

• Authenticity and Passion

The first thing you’ll probably notice about ParanoidGuy when you meet him:
 

• Authentic and real

The one thing ParanoidGuy wishes MORE people would notice about him is:
 

• Passionate and Romantic

ParanoidGuy typically spends his leisure time:
 

• Movies, exercise, reading, I love the paper and coffee in bed on a Sunday morning. Walking on the beach and enjoying my life.

The things ParanoidGuy can’t live without are:
 

• Communication
• Authenticity
• Passion/Touch
• Laughter
• Good Conversation

The last book ParanoidGuy read and enjoyed:
 

• I
  am an avid reader so they are a few. I loved the Clinton book because
  it was a good look at history. I also read Conspiracy of Fools about
  Enron which was great. Presented a real picture and how absurd business
  can be.

One thing that only ParanoidGuy’s best friends know is:
 

• I like to have fun in my life. Not just work. I am loyal and believe in magic (between people).

---

Yeah baby! (with an Austin Powers accent.) He sounds great, doesn’t he? In his pictures, he seemed pretty cute, although they were a bit too small to see in much detail. Just to be fair, I’m going to post my eHarmony profile as well. I’ll also have to include the pictures I have up there; once again, they are a topic of the conversation.

My Profile:

Match Name:  Noetical
Location:  Southern California, United States

Occupation:  Entertainment Content Production
Height:  5′ 7″
Age: 39

Ethnicity:  White, non-Hispanic

Match Created:  January 25, 2006
Last Communication:  February 1, 2006

Below are some of the important interests that ParanoidGuy and I share:
 

• Movies
• Friendship
• Politics

The one thing I am most passionate about:
 

• I believe in the beauty & complexity of the universe & cherish my time here. I make documentaries for a living & love it, as it feeds my somewhat voracious appetite for learning about everything from science to history to the arts. I’ve always felt fortunate & would rather laugh at life’s absurdities than wallow in “what-if”s or “woe-is-me”s. I don’t believe in the phrase “If you loved me, you would…” I prefer to live in a drama-free zone. I always tell my loved ones honestly what I think, but they never have to wonder whose side I’m on.

The three things which I am most thankful for:
 

• A loving family and wonderful friends.
• People who get the joke even when I haven’t said, “just kidding.”
• My ability to find the humor in even the darkest moments and to enjoy the absurdities of everyday life.

Following are 3 Relationship Strengths from my Personality Profile:
 

• I am optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.
• I have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.
• I take pride in being very loyal to friends and family.

The most influential person in my life has been:
 

• My future self:
  She has read many more books and has traveled to many more exotic places than I have. She has the kind of relationship with her husband that I can only aspire to. She never ends sentences with prepositions. …oh yeah, and she HAS a husband =-) 

  She is such an inspiration to me!

The four things my friends say about me are: 
 

• Creative
• Articulate
• Intelligent
• Perceptive

Three of my BEST life-skills are:

• Using humor to make friends laugh
• Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
• Understanding local, national, and world events

The most important thing I’m looking for in a person is:
 

• He’ll be curious & intelligent; want to share my life’s passions & will share his with me. When something excites me, I’ll think, “I can’t wait to share this with him.” He’ll know how to make me laugh…I’ll love that about him. He’ll know why that film or book made me search the Net for anything related to the topic…He’ll love that about me. We won’t keep our opinions to ourselves, but even our disagreements will make our connection stronger. When we look at each other, we won’t believe our luck at having found each other…making it hard to keep our hands off each other…and mostly, we won’t

Other than my appearance, the first thing that people notice about me is: 
 

• My mind and its perpetual motion, or my “inner geek”…While I look like a girl and was an English major, I can talk tech with the best of them…and politics…and literature…and history…and music… =-) That surprises some people at first.

The ONE thing that people DON’T notice about me right away that I WISH they WOULD is: 
 

• That I was a tuatara in a previous life…if they did, perhaps they wouldn’t make the hurtful and intolerable speciesist jokes that people sometimes thoughtlessly make about reptiles when we first meet.

I typically spend my leisure time:
 

• WHAT I LOVE: Listening to music that makes my body move and/or my mood elevate; all-out, heart-pounding, lung-burning workouts that flood me with endorphins; reading books that make me forget where I am; watching movies that make me cry, laugh and/or think; spending time with people who make the world a better place; laughing out loud; talking to bright people; learning something new; finding money in an old pair of jeans; being madly in love with someone whose very essence is as intrinsically magnificent to me as mine is to him; savoring a root-beer float once every six & a half years (keeps ‘em fresh!)

The things I can’t live without are:
 

• Family & friends.
• Time and the energy to spend it well.
• Meaning and the search for it.
• Laughing.
• Perception, thought and expression.

The last book I read and enjoyed was:
 

• I just finished reading “the Great INFLUENZA” by John M. Barry…it mixes history with science and sociology. It is an informative and fascinating exploration of how the nature of mankind interacts with the forces of nature. I love learning about history, especially when it gives insight into the way we as a species think and behave…and how that better understanding resonates and helps us to know ourselves better today. This book meets that standard. I also loved Jitterbug Perfume and DaVinci Code (a book that apparently everyone on eHarmony has read.) I also read the New York Times every morning.

One thing that only my best friends know is:
 

• How important they are to me…and that my middle name is Renée after René Descartes. When I was born, my father was getting his Ph.D. in philosophy, so my brother and I each got middle names from famous philosophers. I lucked out though…my brother’s middle name is Erasmus. Lots of people know my first name, but you’ll have to wait to find that out until “Open Communication.”

Additional information I would like my matches to know about me is:

• Genealogy is my only “hobby,” which is fun because it’s a way for me to study history with my own personal narrative. I got hooked when I discovered Jane Austen is my 13th cousin 6 times removed (whatever that means;-) & Princes William & Henry are my 8th cousins (sadly, I never get invited over =-) President Bush happens to be my tenth cousin once removed, but if you voted for him, we probably wouldn’t make a good match…but I wish you luck in your search! =-) BTW, all of the pictures I’ve posted here of me were taken recently (June-Sept. 2005,) so they’re current.
  Oh and…tuataras taste just like chicken.

---

I know:
I’m garrulous and a bit odd…but it’s part of my charm =-) The tuatara
thing is one of those filters I was talking about before…it’s quite
effective at weeding out guys who would require me to say “I’m
kidding!” WAY too often.

My Pictures:

(All were taken in the summer and fall of 2005.)

 

 

 

So, there you have it: our profiles and my pictures. (I’d post his pictures too if I weren’t protecting his identity.) Awww…if you could see him, you’d know that we make such a cute couple. And he’s a liberal too!

Before moving on to our communication, let me explain the way it works on eHarmony. Once eHarmony “matches” you with someone, you are each given the profile of the other to review. If either finds the other less than desirable in any way, he or she may “close” the match, thus ending the ability of either to ever contact one another again. That means once someone “closes” you, there is no option to send a nasty note in response to the rejection. If neither person immediately closes the other, one person will initiate contact with some multiple-choice questions for their match to answer. ParanoidGuy did just this, shortly after reviewing my profile for the first time. After reviewing his profile, I was happy to respond and, optimistic that we might be an excellent match.

ParanoidGuy sent me these questions on January 25 2006, 09:09AM PT.
I answered these questions on January 28 2006, 06:57PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. How important is chemistry to you?

• I need to feel that instant “click”
• within the first couple of dates I need to sense a certain chemistry
• I think chemistry can be generated over the long-term with someone I really like
• I don’t believe chemistry is really important to a successful relationship
• I believe chemistry is essential for any relationship to succeed.

2. Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?

• cooking
• shopping
• bowling
• watching a video

3. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

• a quiet candle-lit restaurant
• rollerblading on the beach
• cooking dinner together at home
• getting dressed up and going to a dance club together
• Conjuring truly romantic moments is possible anywhere, with the right person.

4. How trusting are you?

• sometimes I’m too naïve
• I trust people and am able to forgive them when wronged
• I trust people until they prove me wrong, then it is hard to trust again
• people are dishonest by nature, you need to be careful
• I trust people until they prove me wrong; then they must earn my trust if they wish to regain it.

5. What is your opinion of traditional gender roles?

• I like traditional gender roles and want to be in a relationship that celebrates them.
• I would accept traditional gender roles if my partner were really interested in them.
• I’m not at all interested in traditional gender roles and want my mate and me to define our roles on our own.

---

I sent ParanoidGuy questions on January 28 2006, 07:11PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on January 29 2006, 10:01AM PT.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS: 

1. When in a relationship, how much personal space do you generally find you need?

• I don’t have a great need for “personal space”. I like lots of together time.
• I find my time spent working is enough personal time, the rest I like to spend with my partner.
• As long as I can get one night a week to myself, my personal space needs are met.
• When I’m with my partner I’m completely there, but I do need considerable time for personal reflection.

2. Your idea of a romantic time would be:

• a quiet candle-lit restaurant
• rollerblading on the beach
• cooking dinner together at home
• getting dressed up and going to a dance club together

3. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

• I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
• With the exception of a couple areas, I’m comfortable being verbally intimate.
• I’m still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.
• It’s hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

4. Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?

• Sure, I love to hold hands, hug and give casual kisses.
• I’m moderately affectionate. I like to hold hands and exchange hugs.
• I do like a small amount of physical affection.
• I don’t consider myself a very physically affectionate person.

5. Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner?

• I hate to debate about anything.
• Occasionally I don’t mind a friendly debate, but I don’t really enjoy it.
• As long as we don’t get too intense, I enjoy a good discussion about general issues.
• I find it stimulating to debate various “issues of the day” with my partner and love it.

---

He was getting better by the minute. I liked all of his answers. Even better, he hadn’t disliked mine enough to close me! At this point, it was time to exchange “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands.” As I’ve explained before, eHarmony has everyone pick ten “Must Haves” and ten “Can’t Stands” to share with their matches. Here are the ones ParanoidGuy and I shared with each other:

I sent my Must Haves and Can’t Stands to ParanoidGuy on January 29 2006, 10:23AM PT

MY MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics…
      I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect…
      I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor…
      I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal…
      I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Communicator…
      I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous…
      I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Curiosity…
      I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Affectionate…
      I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Conflict Resolver…
      I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
Chemistry…
      I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

MY CAN’T STANDS:

Anger…
      I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying…
      I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude…
      I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Petty…
      I can’t stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Judgmental…
      I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist…
      I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Infidelity…
      I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism…
      I can’t stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Mean Spirited…
      I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance…
      While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

---

All of the choices are pretty basic. His didn’t vary from mine that much. Here are the ones he chose:

ParanoidGuy sent his Must Haves and Can’t Stands on January 29 2006, 01:38PM PT.

HIS MUST HAVES:

Shared Politics…
      I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Intellect...
      I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Emotionally Healthy…
      I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
Personal Habits…
      I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
Passionate…
      I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
Self-Confident…
      I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life’s ups and downs.
Communicator…
      I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous…
      I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Unassuming…
      I must have someone who is able to accept criticism, and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
Affectionate…
      I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.

HIS CAN’T STANDS:

Anger…
      I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying…
      I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude…
      I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Punctuality…
      I can’t stand someone who is always late.
Poor Hygiene…
      I can’t stand someone who is not clean.
Racist…
    I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group
to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cheating…
      I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Depressed…
      I can’t stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.
Infidelity…
      I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Denial…
      I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

---

Okay, so he has some issues about personal hygiene. Maybe he had a stinky girlfriend once. That’s okay…I smell pretty good (or so I’ve been told.) So, moving on, we had one more stage to pass through: the Essay Questions.

ParanoidGuy sent me questions on January 29 2006, 01:39PM PT.
I sent my answers on January 29 2006, 04:25PM PT.

HIS QUESTIONS & MY ANSWERS:

1. What are you looking for in a relationship partner?
In my 20s I had a long list of things I thought were important. That list has become quite short…not because I am willing to “settle,” but because I’ve come to know that very few things are really deal breakers…but the ones that are…well, they break the deal every time. The list is this: he must be curious and intelligent; willing and able to strive for an intimate partnership with me (emotionally, intellectually, physically, practically); have a “good heart;” and value the person I am and am becoming…as I will value him. Beyond that, he must be someone with whom I feel safe to be my whole, magnificently flawed self. He needn’t be without flaws, fears, doubts or weakness himself, but he must be willing to risk the discomfort of that journey…wherever it may lead. That and we should be hot for each other =-)

2. What are your political beliefs?
I suppose the best label for my beliefs would be “progressive democrat.” Most of my views are consistent with classically liberal principles. I disagree with pretty much all the policies of the current administration. I also think the religious right has designs on my government, and I believe church and state should remain separate. In seventh grade, I got transferred out of my science class because I questioned my teacher when he prefaced his lesson about evolution by saying he had to teach this even though “we all know that God created all.” If you want to know more, follow this link to something I wrote called, “Why I Don’t Date Republicans.”

3. Do you have any pets? Which types of animals do you love to be around?
I live with my dog, Darcy, named after Fitzwilliam Darcy, the hero in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I know, I’m a geek =-). He’s a 16-year-old Shih Tzu and although he’s a little dog, he’s not at all yappy. He is, however, quite old now, and probably won’t be with me for much longer. Happily, he still enjoys his time with me and loves to eat. Until that changes, I cherish the time I still have with him.

---

I sent my questions on January 29 2006, 04:32PM PT.
ParanoidGuy answered my questions on 30 January 2006 09:00 AM Pacific Time.

MY QUESTIONS & HIS ANSWERS:

1. How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender
roles? Would you like a woman who will cook, shop and keep house?
Describe the perfect partner for you.:
I am looking for a partner in all areas. Some one to cook with, play
with, talk with, rolling around in bed with. I am happy to be a
valuable partner in all areas, but do not want to be a caretaker.

2. Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.:
There are a few, movies, TIVO, reading, conversation.

3. What are your political beliefs?:
Lean liberal

---

Okay, so he’s not a chatterbox. That’s okay. At least he’s liberal. Now it was time to write the first open communication. I’m never sure what to say the first time we can say anything we want, so I sent him something simple.

From:  Noetical

To:  ParanoidGuy

Subject:  Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date:  January 31, 2006 08:13PM Pacific

Welcome to Open Communications.

It’s nice to virtually meet you. So have you been on eHarmony long? Is there anything you still want to know about me, or have I answered all your questions? =-)

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best, Noetical.

---

This was his response:

From:  ParanoidGuy

To:  Noetical

Subject:  Re: Hello ParanoidGuy!
Date:  February 1, 2006 09:32AM Pacific

Yes, we have graduated. Nice to virtually as well.

I do have one question for you, and forgive me for being blunt, but your pics look a little like they were photoshopped. I have met a few people who do not look like their pictures.

ParanoidGuy

---

Not sure what to do with that, but okay…I’ve met some guys who didn’t look like their photos either, but that’s because the pictures turned out to be old and; they were taken at a time when the guy had more hair and less fat…so at least I can relate to the notion that people aren’t always the same in person as they have portrayed themselves to be online. The problem is, with few exceptions, the only way to know, is to actually meet someone in person. In the instances where someone’s photo is obviously outdated (like they’re sporting some outfit inspired by Miami Vice, or are posing in front of the Twin Towers,) I generally just move on and don’t bother to interact in the first place…but without compelling evidence of fraud, I assume there is none.

Now here’s the kicker. He sent that message to me on February 1st. I didn’t manage to read it until the next day, by which time he had CLOSED me. What the fuck?! Okay, you contacted me and dragged me through all that eHarmony shit…just so you could tell me you think I touched up my photos?! (Which by the way look the same now as they did when you first contacted me.) And basically, you’re going to call me a LIAR…and then close me so I can’t even respond? What a DICK!

Here’s the thing, when someone disagrees with me about politics, that’s one thing. I have my own point of view and can argue my case well. I enjoy debating issues and; I invariably learn something new when I do. But this guy…this stranger…is actually attacking ME. He’s not disagreeing with what I think; he’s questioning who I claim to be. I have to admit, that cuts much closer to the quick. To be honest, the thing that bothered me the most about the whole thing was the unfairness of it all. There is something profoundly unsettling about being denied the opportunity to face your accuser. But what would I have said really? It was such a weird charge, after all. “So you think I might not look like my pictures in person. And you contacted me in the first place to tell me that you’re not going to meet me…in case I’m not the me I claim to be? Umm… “

Really, after that, I had no desire to meet him either…so what else can one say at that point? Perhaps something like, “Let’s meet in person so that you can see that I look like my pictures. …Oh, and uh…besides, I really want to call you an asshole to your face” No. Nonetheless, I was annoyed that he had denied me the option of saying anything in my own defense…even though I may very well have decided that “defending” myself was pointless and unnecessary. Not having the choice pissed me off!

Fast forward several daze. I was looking through my match.com profile. Guess who had recently viewed me there? Yes, Mr. ParanoidGuy! I couldn’t help myself, I wrote him the following note:

From:  Noetical@match.com
To:  ParanoidGuy@match.com

Subject:  Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.

Date:  February 19, 2006 11:49 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

I’m so glad you wandered by my profile here, providing me with the opportunity to respond to your accusation on eHarmony that I “Photoshopped” my pictures. I must say that it was rather ungentlemanly of you to brusquely close me after making such a charge, thus denying me the opportunity to explain myself (especially after we had gone to the trouble of going through all those stupid eHarmony communication stages.) Now that I have you here, I will do just that.

Firstly, I want to say that I consider my excellent Photoshop skills to be an important accomplishment, of which I am quite proud. I, perhaps mistakenly, thought that men admire creativity and talent in a woman. Secondly, I challenge your conclusion that, since I altered my own pictures, I would naturally be unattractive in person. I made exactly two changes in my appearance, which are really of no consequence. I removed a large hairy mole (which I regularly pluck, of course) from the tip of my nose and; I painstakingly camouflaged my receding hairline. Admittedly, these two physical flaws may incline men to avoid me when they see me in un-doctored snapshots on eDating sites. Nonetheless, I assure you that in person I am quite attractive, despite these minor imperfections. Besides, in the words of Havelock Ellis,  “The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.”

If we *had* met in person, and you had *really* disliked my appearance; I assure you, there would have been an easy fix; makeup does wonders. As for my thinning hair, I have a nice hairpiece that is barely noticeable. All I can say is that it is your loss.

While I agree that finding one’s partner attractive is not negotiable, the reality is that attractiveness is a subjective and complicated phenomenon. I certainly hope you don’t rely entirely on photos to surmise such a thing. Whether or not Photoshop is involved, chemistry is something that can hardly be judged by a two-dimensional image. Even then, finding true love requires more than pleasing the eyes, as all beauty fades.

With that, I leave you with some wisdom in the form of poetry. Two of my favorite sonnets by Shakespeare address both the complexity of attraction and the need for more in love. I hope they provide you with some perspective and; I wish you luck in your search!

Best, Noetical

CXXX.
MY mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
    And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
    As any she belied with false compare.

–William Shakespeare

CXVI.
LET me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
    If this be error and upon me proved,
    I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

–William Shakespeare

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I was surprised when he actually responded. This is what he said:

From: ParanoidGuy@match.com
To:  Noetical@match.com

Subject:  Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.

Date:  February 19, 2006 1:46 PM Pacific

Appreciate the note and thought it took. But the bottom line truth is, a lie is a lie. Lack of integrity is any way is not actable to me. I do not judge people by their looks, but by their integrity.

Hope you find what you seek.

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Okay, where to start? First of all…OH MY GOD! Why am I letting this guy piss me off so much? And way to miss the joke. …what an idiotic way to respond to my confession that I am actually BALDING and have a hairy mole on the tip of my nose. And what, his response is to suggest that he doesn’t mind the fact that I’m losing my hair? …no, he’s just turned off by the fact that I LIED about it…which clearly demonstrates my lack of integrity. LOL.

At this point, I clearly needed to recognize that this was a pointless confrontation. The only sane thing to do would be to move on and forget about it. That is exactly what I intend to do now…but before I could do that, I had to send him one final note. Here it is:

From:  Noetical@match.com
To:  ParanoidGuy@match.com

Subject:  Re: Re: Photoshop and Love in the Modern Age.

Date:  February 19, 2006 2:21 PM Pacific

Dear ParanoidGuy:

Thanks for writing back…I must admit I didn’t think you would. By the way, I think you missed the point of my email. The only ways in which I “Photoshopped” my pictures, (with the exception of the shot of me on match.com labeled “sepia me,” which is quite obviously altered for creative effect, and not one of the pix up at eHarmony) was to scale them down, so they would properly upload to the site. I’m not sure what you think I did to them, but I assure you, they are quite representative, as well as recent. There would be no point in wasting my time, or that of my suitors, by posting anything that weren’t. Contrary to my ironic response to your paranoid accusation, I don’t have any moles (hairy or otherwise) on my nose, and my hair is as thick as that of a Breck Girl. Lying is not my style; I find it repugnant and unacceptable, just as you do. Lacking integrity has never been something of which I’ve been accused, nor has it been something I accept in others. On that count we are in accordance. I’m sorry you didn’t get the joke, but perhaps you would have better luck with a woman lacking humor. I generally try to be more gracious when responding to insults, but my humor has been worn thin by this exchange. On the bright side, we can be confident that no matter what either of us looks like in person, and no matter how closely we resemble our pictures, we are certainly NOT a match!

I hope you find what you seek as well.

Best, Noetical.

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Well, in re-reading this before posting it, I realize that it sounds much more angry and hurt than I actually am. While some parts of this exchange *did* actually hurt my feelings a bit, I found writing about it to be somewhat amusing. I’m not really sure why some people decide it is acceptable to make others feel like shit, but that’s the risk I take when I expose myself to the scrutiny of strangers.

Even with exchanges like this, I hold out the hope that there is something to the theory that there is a soulmate for everyone. I just have to say though, if there is, mine’s LATE! …or am I? Shit, who has the schedule?!