noetical
Hi Everyone!
Once again, it’s time for me to write about the absurdities of my eDating adventures. This time, I’ve changed my charming suitor’s name, in case he finds this post. I would like to avoid his wrath. By the way, this post includes some things written by him, which I’ve quoted exactly…spelling errors and all. I will call him “ConservativeGuy.”
So this is a guy I first met at one of those “speed dating” things, so I actually have met him in the real world. A few days before meeting him, he also sent me a note at match.com, expressing interest in me. He was okay-looking, so after meeting him, I replied to his match.com email and sent him my contact info, but after a couple of short emails back and forth, nothing really happened. Our last exchange was on August 30th. Then on September 17th, we were matched up on eHarmony.com. (If you’re thinking right now that I’m on too many of these stupid eDating sites…you’re right…but that’s another story =-)
Anyway, following is some of the information from his profile at eHarmony:
Match Name: ConservativeGuy (name changed to protect the obnoxious)
Location: Encino, California, United States
Occupation: Investment Management
Height: 5′ 10”
Age: 41
Ethnicity: White, non-Hispanic
Match Created: September 17, 2005
Last Communication: September 18, 2005The things ConservativeGuy can’t live without are:
- Close relationships – family & friends
- A need to be a productive member of society
- Great sense of humor
- Helping others through volunteer work
- Having goals and ambitions
The most important thing ConservativeGuy is looking for in a person is:
Honest and open with a great sense of humor and a zest for life. She should have her own opinions (even if they differ from my own) and should be knowledgable and willing to discuss current events and the world around her.
Well, he doesn’t sound so bad, right? …And I knew he wasn’t ugly, so I was glad that almost immediately he sent me the following email from the eHarmony site:
From: ConservativeGuy
To: Noetical
Subject: Hi Again
Date: 17 September 2005 01:04 PM Pacific
In looking at your profile, I do believe we have communicated on another site. If you want to chat just let me know….
—ConservativeGuy
So, I wrote him back…figured I’d give it one more shot:
From: Noetical
To: ConservativeGuy
Subject: Re: Hi Again
Date: 17 September 2005 08:09 PM Pacific
Hi again ConservativeGuy =-)
Yes, I’d love to chat. Feel free to write me or call me. My number is: 310-xxx-xxxx
My actual email address is: me@xxxxxxxxxx.comBest, Noetical.
Now before I go on, let me explain that eHarmony has everyone pick ten “Must Haves” and ten “Can’t Stands” to share with their matches and I’m going to share mine here with you:
MY MUST HAVES:
Shared Politics…
I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
Autonomy…
I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
Intellect…
I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor…
I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Loyal…
I must have someone I can count on to always support me.
Communicator…
I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
Emotionally Generous…
I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Curiosity…
I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge and who strives to learn as much as possible.
Strong Character…
I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
Chemistry…
I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.MY CAN’T STANDS:
Anger…
I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Lying…
I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude…
I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Petty…
I can’t stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
Judgmental…
I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
Racist…
I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Infidelity…
I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Pessimism…
I can’t stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
Mean Spirited…
I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance…
While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.
All of the choices are pretty basic, and his didn’t vary from mine that much, but here are the ones he chose:
HIS MUST HAVES:
Intellect...
I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
Sense of Humor…
I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
Family…
I must have someone who shares my desire to have or adopt children.
Responsible…
My partner must be financially responsible.
Emotionally Generous…
I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
Attractiveness…
I must have a partner who is considered “very attractive” by most current standards.
Affectionate…
I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Sexually Knowledgeable…
I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely.
Strong Character…
I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
Chemistry…
I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.HIS CAN’T STANDS:
Lying…
I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
Rude…
I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
Racist…
I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
Cheating…
I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
Undependable…
I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Infidelity…
I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
Mean Spirited…
I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
Intolerance…
While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.
Flirts…
I can’t stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.
Victim Mentality…
While everyone has times of self-pity, I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself/herself as a victim.
Okay, so he didn’t write me at my email address and he didn’t call me, but he sent me the following reply to me at eHarmony:
From: ConservativeGuy
To: Noetical
Subject: Re: Hi Again
Date: 18 September 2005 07:55 AM Pacific
Small world! So I see shared politics is a “must have.” Can you elaborate?
So I wrote back to him and elaborated:
From: Noetical
To: ConservativeGuy
Subject: Politics
Date: 18 September 2005 09:54 AM Pacific
Hi ConservativeGuy. Yes, it is a small world…at least the LA dating scene is small =-)
This is a new “must have” for me. It’s not that I’m intolerant of other people’s beliefs…and I don’t need my partner and me to agree on EVERYTHING…but at least we should be coming at the issues with common assumptions. I find that it’s much more interesting to discuss issues with someone who has a similar foundation…otherwise, the conversation never really progresses to the more complex and stagnates at the base of the argument. It’s one thing to disagree on the solution, but if you disagree on the very nature of the problem, or even what that problem is, that can be a very frustrating wall to smash your head against.
I hope that makes sense. I think I’m better at answering this question verbally, so feel free to ask me again sometime on the phone.
If you’re really interested in where I’m coming from politically and how I interact with those with whom I disagree, you can check out the following link:
http://noetical.blogs.friendster.com/noet_all/2005/07/are_we_still_in.htmlSo you mention that you like to volunteer. What are the local causes that you support? What do you care about, believe in?
Best, Noetical.
Still not quite sure of me, he sent the following message in response:
From: ConservativeGuy
To: Noetical
Subject: Re: Politics
Date: 18 September 2005 10:40 AM Pacific
Hi,
Scanned your website and your political statements. While I am extremely conservative politically and more liberal socially, I certainly don’t have an issue if someone has a different viewpoint than my own. However, it is important to me that they have an opinion one way or another and also that they can back it up.
—ConservativeGuy
Not sure what that meant, I mean, what the fuck?! So you wanna talk or not? And here’s the thing…for some reason, I wasn’t thinking “actually, I think you’re a dick and I don’t want to talk to you…please lose my number.” Instead, I sent the following message in response:
From: Noetical
To: ConservativeGuy
Subject: Re: Politics
Date: 18 September 2005 03:29 PM Pacific
Dear ConservativeGuy:
Well, since you scanned my statements, you know that I *do* have opinions; and I hope you’ve concluded that I can at least argue their merits. So when you say that you’re “extremely conservative politically,” what do you mean by that? In general, I consider myself a “liberal,” but my politics are not “liberal” down the line, as I take each issue as its own question, which you probably do as well.
I’m conservative when it comes to many economic issues, but I’m not sure what that means anymore because the current “conservative” administration doesn’t seem fiscally conservative or responsible to me at all. In fact, I think they spend money like drunken sailors.
I admit that being “extremely conservative politically” has come to mean a few things to me that it might not mean to you, as being “more liberal socially” is incompatible with my understanding of extremely conservative political beliefs. The public conservative agenda has evolved dramatically in recent years in a way that I have found disturbing. Most of my issues with the current state of conservative politics are tied to the extent to which the Christian Right has become more powerful and influential in issues of public policy. For instance, I don’t have an issue with someone who believes that dinosaurs and people co-existed and that the first woman was made from a man’s rib, but I don’t want my tax dollars to be spent on teaching that to children in our public science classrooms.
I’ve never considered myself a libertarian, although I know many of my views are consistent with classically liberal principles. I took this online survey called “World’s Smallest Political Quiz.” According to that, my answers say that the best way to describe my political views is libertarian. I scored 90% on personal issues and 70% on economic issues. (It’s a funny little quiz; you should check it out at http://www.self-gov.org/quiz.html)
I guess what I’m trying to say is that for me it’s more about sharing fundamental values rather than ideology. Hope that all makes sense and isn’t too much information. =-)
Best, Noetical.
Okay, now first of all, someone show me where in ANY of these emails I’ve identified as a “Democrat.” Then explain to me which part of my responses were hostile and aggressive. If you can do that, then maybe I will understand why this guy felt justified to send me this response:
From: ConservativeGuy
To: Noetical
Subject: Hi Again
Date: 18 September 2005 05:09 PM Pacific
Hi,
I have been a Republican as long as I can remember because I suscribe to their fundamental belielf that putting the power and capital in the hands of people is much preferable to the government running affairs (which without exception are far more costly and less effective). Also, the recent election proved that Democrats are out of touch with the core values of the American public (religion, faith, etc which do matter to most Americans). The fact of the matter is that the Democratic party has not been viable in the last 30 years with the exception of Clinton who lied to the American people, performed criminal acts (pardoning Rich), yet still had the christma to get away with it. The Democrats do not stand for anything except for opposing those things that the Reblicans believe in (see comments of recent congressional hearings). And, if the best candidate they can come up with in 2004 is John Kerry (and Edwards who could not even win his home state) then they are in serious trouble. This is not a viable party in its current state and there is not a single candidate currently that could prevail in 2008 today.
—ConservativeGuy
While I wrote several responses to him in my head, after a few daze of not writing back to him, I got the following message about him from eHarmony:
Match Closed: One of the hardest things about any new relationship is deciding when or if you should continue forward in a relationship. ConservativeGuy has decided to permanently close communication with you at this point for the following reason or reasons:
- I don’t feel that the chemistry is there.
- I think the difference in our values is too great.
Okay, where to start? First of all, no shit the difference in our values is too great. …but what an idiotic way to respond to my considered explanation of my beliefs. He might as well have said, “yeah, well you’re a poopie head.” Whatever.
I hate it when Republicans talk about things that the last election “proved” about “most Americans.” The truth is, “most Americans” did not vote for Bush, even if you don’t take into account the fact that there were many “irregularities” reported (as detailed here in Wikipedia.) The number of votes that were officially counted for Bush was somewhere around 62,040,606. According to the census reports from July 2004, there were about 220,377,406 Americans over the age of 18 at the time. That means that only 28% of adult Americans voted for him. In what world is that MOST? At best, the election proved that MOST adult Americans don’t vote…which is another thing that bothers me, but don’t get me started.
As for the Bush administration “putting the power and capital in the hands of people,” that may be true…if you mean the “People’s Republic of China,” who make an obscene amount of money from the interest on their stake in our government. As of this summer, that stake had grown to $242 billion and that’s before the Katrina pots of gold have been factored in (which are going in part to pay for no-bid contracts that have gone to some of the same companies that have been getting rich from the war in Iraq.) According to an article in the Washington Post last week, “Foreign holdings of U.S. government debt exceeded $2.03 trillion in July, meaning that every man, woman and child in the United States owes foreign investors $6,846.”
Well, in re-reading this before posting it, I realize that it sounds much more angry than I intended. The truth is that I found this exchange to be highly amusing because this guy so clearly lacked the ability or will to do what he said he wants others to do, i.e. “back up” his opinion. While it was fun to watch him become aggressive and obnoxious so quickly, this exchange has confirmed my suspicion that I just can’t date someone with substantially divergent political beliefs.
And that my friends, is why I don’t date Republicans. =-)
Beyond the Palin 